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Feb 9, 2013
@ 3:54 pm

An Open Letter to Houston Astros Owner Jim Crane

Dear Mr. Crane,

I’m writing you today as a concerned fan.  I was on Twitter this morning and I read some very disturbing information.  Well, just see for yourself: 

Now, I know I probably wasn’t the only person who will told you this, but I kind of saw this coming.  You know that price you paid for the team back in 2011?  $680 million?  That was a lot of dough!  And, sure, you got Major League Baseball to knock $70 million off of that price as a bribe…err…compensation for switching leagues to the American League, but I can understand how you might’ve gotten in over your head here.  It’s not always easy to make money in this day and age with a damaged asset like the Houston Astros.  Heck, Drayton McLane, who many of us affectionately refer to as “Uncle Drayton,” left the team in a shambles for you.  He didn’t spend any money at all on draft picks and, when he finally did open his coin purse, he spent it all on expensive free agents who weren’t good enough to make this team a contender again. 

Mr. Crane, I feel your pain.  I know how you’ve worked hard for everything in your life.  I know about how you took that $10,000 loan from your sister in 1984 and eventually built that in to EGL (Eagle Global Logistics, Inc.), a company with 400 facilities and 10,000 employees worldwide.  I know that using the profits from selling your stake in that company, you were able to spin that off in to even more successful ventures like Crane Capital Group and Crane Worldwide Logistics, LLC.  I know how, in 1996, you were named Forbes’s “Houston Entrepreneur of the Year.”  You’re a very savvy and smart business person, Mr. Crane.  But owning a pro sports franchise?  Well, that’s a pretty tough way to make your living. 

Then there’s that whole Comcast Sports Houston debacle.  It’s not really going as you had planned, is it?  Nobody—other than Comcast cable subscribers—seems to carry it and because of this you’re falling even deeper in to debt.  Hey, I get it…Kevin Eschenfelder’s salary doesn’t pay itself. 

The good news, though, is that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  You see, down here in Texas, we’re a very friendly bunch of folks.  We’re willing to lend a helping hand to our neighbors when they need it most and, by golly, I think that time is now.  I’ve decided that we, the fans, are going help you and your organization get back in the black by taking collections that we will later give to your organization.  I know it sounds too good to be true, but I can promise you it isn’t.  There’s just one tiny, little eensy-weensy catch. 

Now, I know you would never do anything so devious as to lie to the public about your financial situation to help try and win support for your sagging sports network, so all I’m asking for in return is for you to release the financial records for the Houston Astros organizations from the past five years.  Let’s show everyone how much money you have lost, so there won’t be skeptic in the bunch.  Also, it’ll give us fans a better idea of how much cash we’ll need to help you fund raise. 

Thank you, Mr. Crane.  I know you’d be understanding.  We’re here to help you and I look forward to receiving those financial documents back from you soon! 

Kindest regards,

Stephen E. aka “@kevinbassstache”